1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!

2. Can you hand me your gun?

3. Care for a doughnut?

4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.

5. What exactly is "legally drunk"?

6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.

8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?

9. If I were you I'd let me go!

10. Met your quota? Happy now?

11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now!

12. You should give the ticket to my unreliable cruise control.

13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?

14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!

15. What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?

16. There is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

17. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

18. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Retard!

19. Oink, Oink!

20. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

21. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

22. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college?

23. You can't do that, this isn't my car!

24. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?

25. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This isn't my beer either!

26. Come on write the stupid ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

27. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

28. Can I borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can't write me up!

29. Could ya leave me alone for a sec? I just want to finish this beer.

30. Hey! That's my beer!

31. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something.

32. No officer! That beer is Ralph's. No, he's sitting right there! Don't ya see him?

33. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.

34. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

35. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

36. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

37. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

38. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

39. Bad cop! No donut!

40. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

41. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

42. Didn't I see you get beat up last week on "COPS"?

43. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

44. (chant) Rodney King! Rodney King!

45. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

46. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

47. So, are you still a meany because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

48. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

49. When you smack the heck outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.

50. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

51. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

52. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.